Tips for healthy, loving relationship

Romantic relationships, in all of their complexity, are a fundamental component of our lives. And as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke mused, “There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another.”

What makes a good relationship? Holly Parker, a clinical psychologist and instructor of the course The Psychology of Close Relationships, offers her advice on how to have healthy and loving romantic relationships.

SEE THE BEST IN YOUR PARTNER AND THE RELATIONSHIP

Research on perception and attention shows that we see more of what we look for, so if you’re looking for signs of kindness, that’s more likely to stand out to you. How you think about and interpret your partner’s actions, intentions, and words also affects how you feel and understand a situation with them, which in turn affects how you behave toward them.

 BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER

Studies on appreciation in romantic relationships show that expressing gratitude to your partner predicts an increase in your relationship satisfaction. The gratitude you feel inside also predicts your partner’s level of satisfaction. Feeling appreciated by your partner seems to increase how much you appreciate him or her in return—which positively affects how much you feel committed to the relationship and want to do things to meet your partner’s needs.

HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

The relationship you have with yourself is arguably the foundation on which your other relationships are built, and studies are supporting this notion. High self-esteem predicts better relationship satisfaction, and high self-esteem of both partners is an even better predictor of strong relationship satisfaction. Moreover, people with high self-esteem appear to respond more constructively and positively during conflict when they think their partner is committed to the relationship, whereas people with low self-esteem don’t do this even when they believe their partner is committed.

 HAVE FUN

Couples who engage in exciting and enjoyable activities together have greater relationship satisfaction from before to after the shared activity. As several studies have shown, couples who play together stay together. What else is related to long-term passionate love? Sexual intimacy, shared affection, and happiness in life.

 HAVE GOOD SEX

Increasing research is pointing to a great sex life as predicting better relationship satisfaction—but not the other way around. One such study published in the Journal of Family Psychology examined data from hundreds of couples to determine the relationships among sexual satisfaction, marital quality, and marital instability at midlife.